Communication and Boundary Principles

Communication and Boundary Principles

JADE

• Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain
• The more you explain, the more ammunition you give manipulators

DEAR MAN (Dialectic Behaviour Therapy)

• Describe the situation objectively
• Express your feelings/thoughts
• Assert what you want clearly
• Reinforce (explain positive effects of getting what you want)
• Stay Mindful (don’t get distracted)
• Appear Assertive (confident tone)
• Negotiate if needed

The Broken Record

• Repeat your boundary calmly, like broken record
• Don’t vary your language, don’t elaborate
• “I’m not available that day” -> “As I said, I’m not available” -> “I’ve answered this - I’m not available.”

Gray Rock Method

• For toxic people you can’t avoid (co-parent, coworker)
• Be as boring and unresponsive as a gray rock
• Give minimal information, no emotional reactions
• Makes you an uninteresting target for manipulation

Observe Don’t Absorb

• Notice their emotions without taking them on
• “I see you are angry” != “I caused your anger”
• Their feelings are data about them, not verdicts about you

Manipulation Detection Principles

DARVO Recognition

• Deny the behaviour
• Attack the person confronting them
• Reverse Victim and Offender
• Common in abusers/manipulators when caugt

FOG Check

• Are they using Fear, Obligation, or Guilt?
• “If you loved me…” (guilt)
• “After all I’ve done for you…” (obligation)
• “You regret this…” (fear)

WAIT Principle

• Why Am I Talking?
• Sometimes silence is the most powerful response
• Don’t fill uncomfortable silence - let them sit in it

The 24-Hour Rule

• For big decisions/confrontations: wait 24 hours if possible
• Prevents reactive decisions manipulators pressure you into
• “I need to think about that and I’ll get back to you tomorrow”

The Pattern Recognition Principle

• Once is an incident
• Twice is a coincidence
• Three times is a pattern
• Document patterns to avoid gaslighting

Response Strategy Principles

The Question Flip

• When they ask manipulative questions, flip it back
• Them: “Why are you being so difficult?”
• You: “What makes you think I’m being difficult?”
• Makes them explain their manipulation

The Columbo Technique

• Play slightly confused, ask clarifying questions
• “Help me understand what you mean by that…”
• “Can you explain that differently?”
• Forces them to articulate their manipulation (they often can’t)

The Consequence Statement

• Not a threat, just information
• “If X continues, I will do Y”
• Then actually do Y
• Example: “If you yell, I’ll end the conversation” -> then hang up when they yell

The Once-Sentence Rule

• State your boundary in ONE clear sentence
• Don’t elaborate, don’t justify
• “I’m not discussing this further”
• “That doesn’t work for me.”
• “My answer is no.”

The Time Boundary

• Give finite time to conversations with difficult people
• “I have 10 minutes” -> leave at 10 minutes regardless
• Prevents endless circular arguments

Self-Protection Principles

The Document Everything Rule

• With chronic manipulators, save texts, emails, document conversations
• Protects you from gaslighting (“I never said that!”)
• Essential for workplace situations

The Witness Principle

• Have difficult conversations with witnesses when appropriate
• Manipulators behave differently with an audience
• OR they reveal their true nature to others

The “Not My Circus” Principle

• Their chaos is not your emergency
• You’re not responsible for managing their emotions
• “Not my circus, not my monkeys”

The Energy Audit

• Is this relationship/situation worth my energy?
• Some battles aren’t worth fighting
• Some people aren’t worth teaching
• Permission to just … walk away.

The Self-Trust Principle

• If something feels manipulative, it probably is
• Trust your gut even when they call you “paranoid”
• You instincts are data

Advanced Techniques

The Strategic Accommodation

• Sometimes give in on small things to hold on big things
• “You can choose the restaurant, but I’m leaving by 9pm”
• Prevents “you never compromise” accusations

The Preemptive Boundary

• Set boundaries BEFORE conflict happens
• “Before we discuss this, I need us to agree we won’t bring up past issues”
• Harder to violate a boundary they agreed to upfront

The Redirect

• When they deflect, redirect firmly
• We’re not discussing that. We’re discussing …
• Return to your point every time

The Meta-Conversation

• Talk about HOW you’re talking
• “I notice every time I bring up my feelings, you change the subject”
• “We’re having the same argument we always have. The pattern is the problem.”

The Exit Strategy

• Always know how you can leave a situation
• Physical: drive separately, have money for Uber
• Conversational: “I need to go” practiced and ready
• Relationship: know your dealbreakers

Self-Care Principles

The Decompression Ritual

• After dealing with difficult people, have a reset routine
• Walk, shower, call a friend, journal
• Don’t carry their toxicity into your next interaction

The Reality Check Network

• Have trusted people who can confirm you’re not crazy
• Manipulators gaslight - you need external validation sometimes
• “Am I overreacting or this is actually messed up?”

The Permission to Change your Mind

• You can revoke access to people who consistently harm you
• Past closeness doesn’t obligate future availability
• “We used to be close” doesn’t mean you owe them anything now

The Therapy/Support Principle

• Some situations require professional help
• No shame in getting support for dealing with difficult people
• Especially for family/long-term relationships

The Self-Compassion Rule

• You won’t handle every situation perfectly
• You’ll sometimes take the bait or break your boundaries
• Progress, not perfection
• Be as kind to yourself as you’d be to a friend