uzak's weblog

Boundary Setting Framework

 
Table of Contents

STEP 1: Assess the situation

  • What’s actually happening?
    • What is the observable behaviour (not intent, just actions)?
    • Is this a pattern or isolated incident?
    • What tactics are they using (guilt, threats, triangulation, playing victim,… )?
  • What’s my objective?
    • maintain this relationship?
    • end this relationship?
    • Do I want specific behaviour change?
    • Am I trying to “win” or find resolution?
  • What are the stakes?
    • High stakes: family, partner, boss (can’t easily exit; strategic patience needed)
    • Medium stakes: friends, coworkers, neighbours
    • Low stakes: Acquaintances, service providers
  • What’s their intent? (determines how direct it will be)
    • Clueless: Genuinely don’t realize they are crossing boundaries
    • Testing: Seeing if you’ll enforce what you said
    • Manipulative: Deliberately pushing to get their way
    • Malicious: Actively trying to hurt you

STEP 2: Chose your strategy

Too Passive ←———— SWEET SPOT ————→ Too Aggressive

Doormat        Strategic        Bull in
              Assertiveness    China Shop
  • First boundary violation + clueless person -> gentle redirect
  • Repeat violation + testing -> firm reminder
  • Pattern + manipulative -> direct boundary + consequence
  • Chronic pattern + won’t change -> enforce consequence or exit
  • Public setting + relationship matters -> brief + private follow-up
  • Public setting + don’t care about relationship -> direct immediately

STEP 3: Execute the response

  • State the boundary: Clear, brief, no justification
  • Consequence (if needed): What happens if they violate again?

Key Principles

  • Brevity beats explanation
    • Manipulators use your word against you
    • More words = more to argue with
    • “No” is a complete sentence
  • Don’t engage manipulation tactics
    • Ignore guilt trips
    • Don’t defend against false accusations
    • Don’t take responsibility for their emotions
    • Stay on your point
  • Broken record when needed
    • Repeat the same boundary
    • Don’t add new information
    • Shorter, not longer
  • Match their escalation with calm
    • They get louder -> you stay quieter
    • They get emotional -> you stay factual
    • They threaten -> you accept or set consequences

STEP 4: Handle common responses

  • Play victim -> Don’t comfort or apologize. State: I understand you’re upset. The boundary stands.
  • Guilt trip -> Acknowledge without caving: I hear you. My answer is still now.
  • Triangulate -> Redirect: This is between us. I’m not discussing it with …
  • Threaten to leave -> Let them: That’s your choice.
  • Promise to change -> require specifics: What specifically will be different?
  • “Just joking” -> Name it: That wasn’t funny. Don’t do it again.
  • Accuse of overreacting: Don’t defend: I’m not discussing my reaction. I’m stating my boundary.

STEP 5: Enforce consequences

If they violate again, do exactly what you said you’d do. No warnings. No negotiations. No exceptions.

Escalation ladder

  • First time: state boundary clearly
  • Second time: remind + warn of consequence
  • Third time: enforce consequence
  • Fourth time: bigger consequence or exit

Exit strategies when needed

  • Block / no contact End relationship
  • Limit contact (only specific contexts)
  • Grey rock (minimal emotional engagement) - You become strategically uninteresting.

Common mistakes to avoid

  • Over-explaining: gives material to argue with
  • Apologizing for boundaries: undermines you
  • Asking permissions: (No. State it)
  • Making empty threats: only threaten consequences you’ll enforce
  • Inconsistency: caving “just this once” teaches them to keep pushing
  • Taking their bait: arguing about side issues instead of your boundary
  • Managing their emotions: not your job

THE DECISION TREE

Boundary violated
    ↓
Is this a pattern?
    ↓
NO → Brief, clear boundary
YES → ↓
    ↓
Have I stated this boundary before?
    ↓
NO → State it clearly now + consequence
YES → ↓
    ↓
Did I set a consequence?
    ↓
NO → Set one now
YES → ↓
    ↓
ENFORCE IT
    ↓
Still violating?
    ↓
Exit or accept this is who they are

Key takeways

  1. Concrete observation.
  2. Set it clearly - state what you need
  3. Explain the impact - why it matters.
  4. Enforce it immediately - no second chances on first violation.
  5. State consequence - what happens if this continues
  6. Follow through - execute the consequence without hesitation