Nedra Glover Tawwab: Set Boundaries Find Peace

Preface

• people will not guess my needs. They went all about their day while I suffered in silence.
• I feared that standing up for myself would cost me my relationships. All the while, the personal cost was much higher

Introduction

• Family systems have unspoken rules of engagement. If you want to feel guilty, set a limit within your family.
• It is not my job to save people. It is not my job to fix people. I can help people, but I can’t fix them.
• fear of someone getting mad at them. Fear is not rooted in fact, but in negative thought and the story lines in our heads.
• Over the years, I learned that when people need my help, they have to recognize the issue and request assistance. And I have to be able and willing to help them. It took years for me to realize that I was not helping people by “fixing” them.
• Clarity saves relationships.
• Communicating what you want and need is tough at first. And dealing with what comes after can be downright uncomfortable. But the more you do it, the easier it gets, especially when you experience the peace of mind that follows.
• Reasons people don’t respect your boundaries:
  • You don’t take yourself seriously
  • You don’t hold people accountable
  • You apologize for setting boundaries
  • You allow too much flexibility
  • You speak in uncertain terms
  • You haven’t verbalized your boundaries (they’re all in your head)
  • You assume that stating your boundaries once is enough.
  • You assume that people will figure out what you want and need based on how you act when they violate a boundary.

Part 1: Understanding the importance of boundaries

1. What the Heck are Boundaries?

• Boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships.
• It is impossible to create more time. But you can lighten the load.
• Kim’s refusal to say no was the root of her worry, stress and crippling anxiety.
• Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when dealing with others.

Signs that you need healthier boundaries

Neglecting Self-Care

• first thing to happen when we get caught up in our desire to help others.
• the root of self-care is setting boundaries: saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical and mental well-being.

Overwhelmed

Resentment

• Feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed or bitter is the result of the resentment we feel when we don’t set limits.
• When we’re resentful, we do things out of obligation to others instead from the joy of helping.
• Signs that you need boundaries:
  • You feel resentful toward people for asking your help.
  • You make comments about helping people and getting nothing in return.
  • You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing

Avoidance

• Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you’re tired of showing up.
• Creating boundaries is the only real-life solution.
• A lack of understanding about boundaries breeds unhealthy habits.
• A boundary is a cue to others about how to treat you. It can be explicit, such as saying “I’m about to share something that I’d like you to keep between just the two of us”.
• Openness (receptiveness to change) and consciousness (willingness to learn and grow) are personality traits of people who are more likely to respect limitations.

Three levels of boundaries

Porous

• week or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful. They lead to feeling depleted, overextending yourself, depression, anxiety and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
• Examples:
  • oversharing
  • codependency
  • enmeshment (lacking emotional separation between you and the other person)
  • inability to say no
  • people-pleasing
  • dependency on feedback from others
  • paralyzing fear of being rejected
  • accepting mistreatment

Rigid

• keep others out as a way to keep yourself safe
• whereas porous boundaries lead to unhealthy closeness (enmeshment), rigid ones are a self-protective mechanism meant to build distance.
• Rigid boundaries look like:
  • never sharing
  • building walls
  • avoiding vulnerability
  • cutting people out
  • having high expectations of others
  • enforcing strict rule

Healthy

• Healthy boundaries are possible when you your past doesn’t show up in your present interactions. They require an awareness of your emotional, mental and physical capacities, combined with clear communication. They look like:
  • being clear about your values
  • listening to your own opinion
  • sharing with others appropriately
  • having a healthy relationship with people who have earned your trust
  • being comfortable saying no
  • being comfortable hearing no without taking it personally
• Saying no without apologizing because it’s the healthiest choice for you at the moment

Two parts to setting boundaries

• short-term discomfort for a long-term healthy relationship is worth it every time.
• Whenever you identify a boundary you’d like to set, remember that there are two steps to the process: communication and action.

Communication

• People cannot accurately assume your boundaries based on your body language or unspoken expectations. When you explicitly state what you expect, there is little room for others to misinterpret what works for you. Assertive statements are the most effective way to do this.
• Example:
  • When we have a disagreement, I’d like you to use a lower tone and take a break if you feel like you’re getting too heated in the argument. Also, I will mention when I’m becoming uncomfortable with your tone.
  • It’s important to me that you honor plans that we set up. If you need to change our plans, please send me a text a few hours before.

Action

• honoring your boundaries through action is the only way most people will understand you’re serious.

Common ways people respond when you share your boundaries

Pushback

• Can happen at any time: immediately after you set a boundary or a while after, when the person decides to no longer honor it.
• Pushback is a manifestation of the fear that things will be different, of being pushed out of the comfort zone.
• How to handle: acknowledge that you heard the other person’s concern.

Limit Testing

• They heart you, but they want to see how much you’re willing to bend.
• How to handle: be clear about the behaviour you notice. Name it: “you’re testing my limits”. Express how testing your boundaries makes you feel.
• Do your best to name your boundary without offering an explanation so that you’re not talked out of it.

Ignoring

• passive-aggressive way of pretending they didn’t hear them
• resentment build, over time this erodes respect in the relationship.
• How to handle: react to ignoring immediately after you notice the issue. If not, the boundary will disappear.

Rationalizing and Questioning

• it isn’t helpful to say you’re sorry about setting a boundary.
• Remember that people benefit from you not having limits. You have to look out for yourself - no excuses required.
• How to handle: be careful not to explain yourself. Keep your response short by saying something like this: “This is what’s healthy for me.” Saying too much will put you in a back-and-forth negotiation.

Defensiveness

• being clear in our wording helps minimize defensiveness.
• Defensively, people will turn the issue on you because they don’t want to be at fault.
• Defensive people aren’t listening while you’re talking; they’re personalizing what you say and crafting a response.
• How to talk to people when they’re being defensive:
  • Make it about yourself, not them. Use “I” statements.
  • Talk about one issue at a time.
  • Don’t talk about old issues with this person while stating your boundary.
  • Use “feeling” words, such as “When you ….”, I feel “….”.
  • Say something in the moment or soon after. Don’t let issues fester for days, weeks, or months.
  • When you feel you won’t be able to set the boundary face-to-face, set it by any means necessary.

Ghosting

• Ending things without explaining or disappearing is often called “ghosting” and is an unhealthy response to boundaries.
• How to handle:
• Send a precise text message or email mentioning the behaviour you’re noticing. Express how the ghosting is making you feel and the concerns you have about the relationship. If receiving a response take a few days, be clear how to restate how the ghosting makes you feel. If you don’t receive a response, remind yourself that their reaction was not about you.

Silent Treatment

• less extreme than the ghosting but still painful.
• How to handle: Verbalize what you notice: “You seem upset. Can we talk about what I said to you?”. Be clear about what you perceive to be the issue. Challenge the behaviour of the other person.

Acceptance

• Boundaries are the cure to most relationship problems.
• Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship:
  • You are unable to express your needs because the other person refuses to listen.
  • The other person refuses to meet reasonable requests.
  • There’s emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
  • You feel sad, angry, drained, or disappointed after most interactions.
  • The relationship is one-sided; you give and they take.
  • There’s lack of trust in the relationship.
  • The other person refuses to change some unhealthy behaviours.
  • The other person has an addiction that is harmful to you.

Areas Where we Commonly Need Boundaries

Family

Parents should respect the limits and needs of their children, even when they are young.

Work

Limits can help you maintain a healthy work-life harmony.

Romance

• When it comes to love, for some reason we all want our partner to read our mind and know everything we want without having to ask. But this is an impossible expectation!
• Being honest and up front (From the beginning, if possible) about what you expect and what you can offer will save you and your parter lots of heartache and argument.

Friendships

Unhealthy friendships happen as a result of unhealthy boundaries.

Technology

Exercise

• Think of a time when someone said no to you. How did you react? Could have reacted in a healthier way?
• Think of a time when you wanted to say no but didn’t. How could you have expressed the boundary?
• How do you think people in your life will respond to your boundaries? Is this based on fact or your own assumptions? What about your past makes you think this?
• Where are you in need of boundaries right now? List three places or relationships where you would like to set a new one.

2. The Cost of Not Having Healthy Boundaries

Choosing discomfort over resentment. – Brene Brown

• was unintentionally on strike
• started managing burnout by letting go of the need to be a rock star and instead asking for help when she needed it.

What Can Happen When We Avoid Setting Boundaries

Burnout

• caused by stress
• caused by:
  • not knowing when to say no
  • now knowing how to say no
    • “No” is extremely difficult to say, especially when you want to do it all. Erica had to learn to be okay with not doing it all and also not allowing her daughter to get fixated on doing it all.
  • prioritizing others over yourself
    • ensure that Erica had time to connect with herself daily
  • people-pleasing
    • start asking herself “Why is it important to me?” and do only what is most important
  • superhero syndrome (I can do it all)
    • Stop following people on social media who make it appear they have it all together all the time. Connect with people who are honest.
  • unrealistic expectations
    • Whose expectations am I fulfilling?
    • Realistic expectations don’t lead to stress
  • not being appreciated for what you do
    • Erica’s burnout didn’t extend to work, because she received recognition for her efforts and felt valued there.
    • Tell people what you need. For Erica it was positive feedback and affirmation

Mental Health and Boundaries

Anxiety

• often triggered by setting unrealistic expectations, the inability to say no, people-pleasing, and the inability to be assertive.
• the biggest trigger for anxiety is the inability to say no
• We may agree to do something we don’t have the time to do or we don’t really know how to do.
• Then we become anxious about all the things we’ve said es to doing with and for others. We worry about getting it all done and doing it correctly. As these worries flood our brain, we experience anxiety.
• Determine:
  1. Whose standard am I trying to meet?
  2. Do I have the time to commit to this?
  3. What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t do this?
  4. How can I honour my boundaries in this situation?
• fear of what others might think
• true worst case scenario is avoiding boundaries
• In healthy relationships my desires will be acknowledged and accepted.
• After I set limits, people will remain in relationship with me.
• I can set standards even through my discomfort.

Depression

• hopelessness
• request that another person adhere to little request
• when people suffer from depression, they often find it hard to advocate for themselves in any situation.

Dependant Personality Disorder (DPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

• relationships are usually unstable because they overpersonalize their interactions with others, making assumptions and overreacting.
• they find it hard to differentiate where they begin and others end.
• Additionally, people struggling with substance use, psychotic disorders, and eating issues are likely to experience problems with boundaries.

What Relationships Without Boundaries Look Like

• Communicating our boundaries isn’t easy, but without it, we set ourselves up for long-term suffering. We simply can’t have healthy relationship with another person without communicating what’s acceptable and unacceptable to us.
• Boundaries are not unspoken rules.
• Healthy relationships are between two people who are mutually supportive or each other (The only occasion when one-sided relationships are appropriate is in the parent-child dynamic).
• In your relationships, are people clear about how you desire to be treated? How are you treating yourself? Others learn a lot about you from watching how you treat yourself.
• Be kind to yourself, because the people in your life are watching.

Common Feelings When We Don’t Set Boundaries

• The emotions that people most commonly feel when they don’t set boundaries are resentment, anger and frustration.

Resentment

• is avoiding time with the offending person or dismissing the impact of offensive behaviour. Instead they assume the other person should just figure out why they’re upset.

Anger

• When expressed inwardly, people with unhealthy boundaries engage in negative self-talk, self-sabotage, self-blaming, or self-esteem. Instead of holding others accountable, the anger becomes an issue within.
• Anger toward others look like blaming without personal accountability, adult tantrums (yelling, cursing, rage, crying fits, breaking things, verbal abuse), or an overall apathetic disposition toward others.

Frustration

• feeling frustrated isn’t a reason to stop trying to implement boundaries. Setting them takes perseverance.

Things We Do to Avoid Setting Boundaries

Move Away

• unhealthy boundaries will follow you wherever you go unless you learn to verbalize them

Gossip

• Instead of setting a direct boundary, we often use gossip as a way of processing our frustrations. But gossip isn’t helpful and only leads to more resentment.

Complaints

• Complaining to others won’t fix our unhealthy boundaries.
• with complaining, we usually play the role of victim
• complaining, much like gossip, builds resentment

Avoidance

• By not creating a boundary, I created a new problem.
• There’s nothing easy bout these tough conversations.
• Avoidance wasn’t an effective strategy.
• “No thanks, that doesn’t work for me; I’m not interested”
• Don’t waste your time and anyone else’s timing hoping they will figure it out

Cutoff

Cutoffs happen as a result of believing that the other person is incapable of change, that they won’t honour our boundary, or that we have let things go so far that we’re not longer interested in repairing the relationship. Cutting people off may seem like an easy way to resolve relationship issues, but we can’t escape setting limits if we want healthy relationships.

Exercise

On a separate sheet of paper, write down all of the duties, activities and responsibilities attached to your various roles in life.

3. Why Don’t We Have Healthy Boundaries?

• He was aware that he tented to attract needy people.
• Justin never asked for help himself. He was self-sufficient and self-reliant, and feeling helpless made him uncomfortable.
• he came to the conclusion that his needs were too complicated for others and that he was better at giving support than receiving it.
• People who experience emotional neglect tend to have issues developing healthy attachments to others, whether their attachment is anxious or avoidant.

What’s Keeping Us from Having Healthy Boundaries?

“It’s Them, Not Me”

• We’re unaware of aspects that are within our control, such as setting boundaries. But when we do set boundaries, our relationships change because we’ve changed what we’re willing to tolerate.

“We Tried Once, and It Failed”

• there are many reasons why people don’t immediately adhere to our request, so the way we communicate is critical

Misinterpreting What Boundaries Are

• There’s more to boundaries than saying no.

The Reasons We Tolerate Boundary Issues

• We Aren’t Aware That We Need to Set Boundaries
• We Focus on the Worst-Case Scenario
  • Despite the fact that the Worst-Case scenario is often the least likely to occur, our fears of the worst tend to keep us from setting boundaries.
  • Typical worst-case-scenario-thoughts:
    • What if they get mad at me?
    • What if they want nothing to do with me?
    • What if I lose a friend/family member?
    • What if I say the wrong thing?
  • Worst-case-scenario thinking is fear-based, and it’s the wrong hypothesis about what is most likely to happen.
• We Feel We Can’t Tolerate the Discomfort of Setting Boundaries
  • The short-term discomfort of setting a boundary isn’t a reason to continue tolerating the longer-term discomfort of the issue that inevitably results. Unhealthy relationships are frustrating and damaging to our long-term well-being.

What We Learn About Boundaries

• Family is Where it All Starts
  • Parents/caregivers can guide us toward either healthy or unhealthy boundaries.
  • From birth, the family is our primary teacher.
  • Parents and caregivers typically feel comfortable communicating their expectations to children. But children often feel they don’t have a right to set boundaries for themselves.
• Respecting Kids’ Boundaries
  • “I hear you. I want you to eat something, so I will honor your request by presenting other options.”
  • “I hear you. If you feel uncomfortable showing someone affection, I will respect your preference”
  • allow them to have a preference as to what they eat, wear, who they like, how they feel, and who they allow in their physical space.
• Modeling
  • Children have never been very good at listening to the elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.
  • Parents who don’t model healthy boundaries inadvertently teach kids unhealthy boundaries.
  • people have begun to learn that weight issue are often a symptom of the mental and emotional health issues they face.
  • When we consistently exercise, we set expectations for ourselves, defining what behaviours and habits we can and cannot accept. We won’t find time to go to the gym or eat well if we don’t have healthy boundaries with ourselves.

When It Isn’t Okay to Say No

• A parent’s reaction, such as giving the child the silent treatment, dismissing their concerns, or ridiculing the child for having a need, are all equal to communicating that saying no is not okay.
• Learning from Others

Childhood Issues That Impact Boundaries, Such as Trauma, Abuse, or Neglect

Trauma

• life experience that causes you to feel deeply distressed:
  • Death of a loved one
  • Bad accident
  • Abuse/Neglect
  • Bullying
  • Abandonment
  • Divorce
  • An incarcerated parent
• The experience of trauma shifts our brain and body into survival mode. This is one way which unhealthy boundaries become a tool for survival.
• If we feel that we have no other options or way to get out of a particular situation, setting limits may not seem like a reasonable course of action.

Abuse

• People who grew up in abusive homes have a higher likelihood of developing trauma bonds later in life.
• When you’re manipulated into believing that the abuse was your fault, it’s a boundary violation. Regardless of the reason behind the abuse, it’s never okay for some to abuse you.

Physical Neglect

• absence of necessities or lack of care given to physical needs.

Emotional Neglect

• meeting the emotional needs of a parent is not a job for a child.
• Reminder for adults who experienced emotional neglect in childhood. It was never your job:
  • to be the confidant of your parent
  • to learn things without parental guidance
  • to figure things out without emotional support
• Kids’ boundaries are violated when kids are placed into adult roles - even when these roles happen as a result of necessity.

Thought Patterns That Stop Us From Setting Boundaries

Fear of Being Mean

• The fear of being mean is based on the assumption that you know how the other person will view your words.

Your Fear of Being Rude

• How you verbalize your boundary matters.
• We tend to assume that when we declare what we expect, we can do it only by yelling or cursing. Typically, this is the case when we’ve reached a breaking point and have waited too long to set the boundary. But if you’re proactive about it, you won’t have to reach a breaking point. Then you’ll be able to communicate your limits respectfully.

You’re a People-Pleaser

• Once you grow beyond pleasing others, setting your standards becomes easier. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.
• People-pleasers tend to be consummated with thoughts about what others are thinking and feeling.
• For people-pleasers setting a boundary is especially hard because their worst fear is being disliked, on top of the fear of being mean or rude.

You’re Anxious About Future Interactions After a Boundary Has Been Set

• State your boundary and proceed with typical business. You can’t control how your request is received, but you can choose to behave in a healthy way afterward.
• Model the behavior you’d like to see in the relationship.

You Feel Powerless (and Not Sure That Boundaries Will Help)

• if you execute and uphold your boundary, it will work. Staying consistent is essential if you want others to adhere to your boundaries.

You Get Value from Helping Others

• “I’m a helper”
• Limits create clarity about how you are willing and able to help.

You Project Your Feelings About Being Told No onto Others

• You hate being told no
• It’s natural to dislike it when you don’t get what you want, but being told no is healthy.
• If you learn to manage your feelings about being told no, you will become a more sympathetic boundary-setter.

You Have No Clue Where To Start

When you’ve practiced unhealthy boundaries for so long, it’s hard to consider your options.

You Believe That You Can’t Have Boundaries in Certain Relationships

• In every relationship, you can set boundaries. It’s a matter of how you set them.
• Hard doesn’t equal impossible.

Uncomfortable Feelings That May Arise from Setting Boundaries

Three things prolong uncomfortable feelings:

• Minimizing: This is the result of denying the impact of life events or trying to reduce their meaning.
• Ignoring: You act as though your emotions don’t exist.
• Moving on too soon: When you try to push through a painful experience without feeling your emotions, you prolong the journey of recovery.

Guilt

• “How can I set one without feeling guilty”. My immediate thought is “You can’t”.

Sadness

It’s essential to reframe the way how you think about this process. Reframe:

• Boundaries are a way of advocating for yourself
• Boundaries are a way to maintain the health and integrity of a relationship.
• Boundaries are an excellent way of saying: “Hey, I like you so much. I want us to work on a few things.”
• Boundaries are a way of saying “I love myself”.

Betrayal

• Don’t betray yourself to please others.
• Setting boundaries is not a betrayal of your family, friends, partner, work, or anyone or anything else. Not setting the, however, is a betrayal of yourself.

Remorse

it isn’t wrong or bad to set them

Exercise

Complete on a separate sheet of paper:

• How were boundaries taught in your family?
• Did your partner/caregivers honor your boundaries? If so in what ways?
• How were your boundaries dishonored?
• When did you realize that setting them was an issue for you?
• What’s your biggest challenge with setting them?

4. The Six Types of Boundaries

• it is neccessary, and even vital, to set standards for your life and the people you allow in it.

Physical Boundaries

• standing too close
• Reading someone’s journal or another form of invasion of privacy
• Setting may sound like:
  • I’m more of a handshaker, I don’t want to hug.
  • Please move back a little
  • I’m not comfortable with public displays of affections. I’d prefer if we saved this until we got home.
  • I’ve asked you not to rub my back. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
  • These are my private writings. Please don’t look at them, because it’s violation of my privacy._
• Bear in mind, however, that your boundaries are constantly changing.

Sexual Boundaries

• Comments about someone’s sexual appearance
• Sexual jokes
• Setting may sound like:
  • Your comments about my appearance make me feel uncomfortable.
  • I’m not interested in sexual relationship with you.
  • Move your hand off my leg
  • Stop
  • Your comment isn’t funny; it’s sexually inappropriate.
• Don’t make excuses for poor conduct.

Intellectual Boundaries

• Refer to your thoughts and ideas. You’re free to have an opinion about anything you want. And you’re free to express your opinion about anything you want. And when you express your opinion, your words should not be dismissed, belittled, or ridiculed.
• Although the information was truthful, it was not appropriate for XYZ to know at such a young age.
• Setting may sound like:
  • You can disagree without being mean or rude.
  • I don’t think this is an appropriate conversation to have with a child.
  • I won’t talk to you if you keep raising your voice.
  • That was a mean joke; I’m offended.
  • I just said something, and you dismissed me. Why?

Emotional Boundaries

• When you share your feelings, it’s reasonable to expect others to support you.
• With healthy emotional boundaries, you express your feelings and personal information to others gradually, not all at once. This also means you share only when it’s appropriate, and you choose your confidants carefully.
• Examples of violations:
  • Sharing too much too soon (oversharing)
  • Sharing inappropriate emotional information with children
  • Emotional dumping/excessive venting
  • Pushing someone to share information they are not comfortable sharing
  • Invalidating someone’s feelings
  • Telling people how to feel
  • Minimizing he impact of something, such as “That wasn’t a big deal”
  • Pushing people to move past complicated feelings swiftly
  • Gossiping about the personal details of another person’s life
• Setting:
  • When I share things with you, I expect you to keep them confidential.
  • I feel uncomfortable sharing my feelings. I would feel better if you acknowledged what I’m saying with a nod.
  • I hear that you have a lot of things going on. I don’t feel equipped to help you. Have you considered talking to a therapist?
  • I don’t feel comfortable talking about that topic.
  • It isn’t okay for you to tell me how I should feel. My feelings are valid.
  • I will take my time processing my feelings. Don’t rush me to move on.
  • It’s okay for me to feel how I feel in any situation.
• A few ways how to honor your emotional boundaries:
  • Ask people if they want you to just listen, or if they’re looking for feedback
  • Share only with people you trust who can indeed hold space for your emotions.

Material Boundaries

• your possessions.
• If you load a friend a tool in good condition, it’s appropriate to expect the tool to be returned in the same share. When people give you something back in worse condition, they’ve violated your material boundaries.
• Examples:
  • Using things longer then the agreed-on time frame
  • Loading borrowed items to others without permission
  • Damaging a possession and refusing to pay for it.
• Setting:
  • I will loan you money, but I expect the full amount back by Friday.
  • I can’t loan you my car this weekend.
  • Be sure to return my tool in good condition.
  • I can’t load you any money.
  • You can borrow my suit, but if you stain it, you’ll have to pay for dry cleaning.
• Do not loan things to people who have demonstrated that they will not respect your possessions.
• Share your expectations for your possessions up front.

Time Boundaries

• Examples:
  • Calling multiple times in a row for non-emergencies
  • Expecting someone to drop everything in order to provide help
  • Calling or sending text messages late when the recipient is sleeping
  • Asking others to do things for free
  • Having long conversations with emotionally draining people
  • Accepting favor requests from people who don’t reciprocate
• Setting:
  • I’m unable to stay late today.
  • I work from nine o’clock to five o’clock, so I’m not available to chat throughout the day.
  • I can’t help you this weekend
  • I can help you with your taxes, but my fee is 75 dollars.
  • I won’t be able to make it to your even on Tuesday.
• Before you say yes to a request, check your calendar to make sure you’re not overcommitting.
• When you’re busy, allow calls to go to voicemail and texts or emails to go unread until it’s convenient for you to respond.

5. What boundary Violations Look Like

• People do not have to like, agree with, or understand your boundaries to respect them.

Little “b” and Big “B” Violations

• little “b”: Micro boundary violations are small violations that often occur in everyday encounters, as opposed to long-term relationships. With micro boundary violations, we aren’t usually as emotionally affected. The violation doesn’t spill over into the rest of our day, because we don’t view the encounter as significant. Micro boundary violations can become more significant over time, however, if the violations are repeated and persistent.
• Big “B”: Macro boundary violations are big violations that erode the fabric of our relationships with others.

Little “b” Microaggressions

• Example:
  • Racism
  • Body Shaming
  • Racial Bias
  • Gender Bias
  • LBTQI+ Bias
• are harmful expressions of a more in-depth belief system.
• Ways to handle:
  • Assertively address what you perceive as microaggression. I’ve noticed that you said … What does that mean?
  • Suggest more appropriate behaviour

Oversharing

• effort to connect to another person
• The oversharer has usually no idea that they’ve gone too far
• Examples:
  • Inappropriate context
  • Someone Else’s Information
  • In-Depth Personal Information
• Handling:
  • Gently redirect the person to a more appropriate topic.
  • Assertively say “Wow, this seems like a critical conversation that we should have at another time”.
  • “I don’t feel equipped to help with this situation. Do you mind if I change the topic of the conversation”.

Guilt Trips

• When someone intentionally tries to make you feel bad, they are guilt-tripping you. Guilt-tripping is a manipulative strategy that people use to persuade you to do what they want.
• Examples:
  • Ending Toxic Relationships
  • Lacking Interest in Relationship with Certain People
  • Being Particular About What You Like
  • Not Pleasing Others
  • Saying No Without Giving an Explanation
    • There are times when it’s okay to explain. Just be mindful of how the person has responded in the past to your explanations. If they accepted the explanation and moved on, go ahead and offer a brief reason. If explaining created a disagreement, keep your response brief.
• Handling:
  • Call it out: Are you trying to make me feel bad about my decision?
  • Make the conversation about you, not them: “It’s nothing personal. I just have preferences for myself”.
  • Declare that you’ve made your decision: “Your response seems like you’re trying to change my mind.”

Big “B” Macroaggressions

Enmeshment

• In enmeshed relationships, individualization is not acceptable. Neither are boundaries.

Codependency

• In codependent relationships, we believe we must help people avoid consequences, saving them from unpleasant experiences. We think it’s our role to protect them. But rather than protect, we enable the other person to continue their unhealthy behaviour.
• Codependency is well-meaning, but we suffer because our own needs are often unmet or unnoticed.
• Enabling is significant part of a codependent relationship. It involves supporting the unhealthy behaviours of someone through action or inaction. Codependency usually happens as a result of unhealthy boundaries.
• This is codependency:
  • Overextending yourself
  • Making excuses for the poor behaviour of others.
  • Taking care of people with toxic behaviour
  • Having difficulty existing in relationships without becoming “the rescuer”
  • Troubleshooting problems for others before thinking of your own issues.
  • Letting people rely on you in an unhealthy way.
  • Having one-sided relationships.
• In codependent relationships, one or both parties are dependant on the other for their survival. Therefore, codependency often leads to resentment, burnout, anxiety, depression, loneliness, depletion, and severe mental health issues.
• codependent relationships are harmful to all parties.
• People who are codependent suffer from unhealthy boundaries, self-esteem issues, people-pleasing tendencies, and the need for control. By helping toxic people, they receive a sense of fulfillment.
• codependency has to stop if they want to save their loved ones.
• Boundaries for Codependency:
  • Set clear expectations with regard to how you can help.
  • Provide feedback about how the other person’s behaviours are affecting you.
  • Support people without doing things for them.
  • Wait for people to ask for help instead of offering before they ask.
  • Honor your commitment to yourself about what you will and will not tolerate in relationships.
  • Be vocal about toxic behaviours you observe.
  • Take care of yourself.
  • Hold people accountable for caring for themselves.
  • Help while teaching people how to help themselves.

Trauma Bonding

• Trauma bonding happens as a result of emotional and intellectual boundary violations. Over time, a person is manipulated into believing that in some way they deserve what’s happening to them.
• This is trauma bonding:
  • Being made to believe that everything is your fault (gaslighting).
  • Feeling like you can’t get out of a toxic relationship
  • Cycling from harsh treatment to kindness
  • Not telling others how you’re treated in your relationship because you fear they will see it as abuse
  • Not standing up to someone who mistreats you
• Boundaries:
  • Be clear about how you expect to be treated.
  • Stop people immediately when they say something mean or something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell them What you said makes me feel uncomfortable."
  • Share your relationship issues only with people you trust.

Counterdependency

• Counterdependency happens when we develop rigid boundaries to keep people at emotional distance.
• This is counterdependency:
  • Difficulty being vulnerable
  • Inability to ask for help
  • Discomfort accepting help from others
  • Disinterest in the lives of others
  • Preference for doing things yourself
  • Emotional distance
  • Quickly feeling overwhelmed when people are vulnerable
• Boundaries:
  • Practice sharing details of your life with others
  • Tell people how they make you feel
  • Ask for help
  • Accept help if someone offers.

Exercise

• How do you think your life will be different once you’ve established healthy boundaries?
• In what relationships have you established healthy boundaries?
• What are some specific actions you can take to improve your boundaries?

6. Identify and Communicate Your Boundaries

• You don’t have to be boundaryless to be loved.
• When we passive-aggressively set boundaries, we say something indirectly to the other person, or we peak to someone who isn’t in a position to resolve the issue (gossip).

4 Ways to Unsuccessfully Communicate a Boundary

Passive

• Being passive is denying your needs, ignoring them to allow others to be comfortable. People who communicate passively are afraid of how others will perceive their needs
• Examples:
  • Having an issue but not saying anything
  • Allowing people to do and say things which you disagree
  • Ignoring things that are triggering for you

Aggressive

• Aggressive communication is attacking another person with harsh, pushy, or demanding words and behaviours, instead of stating what we want.
• Examples:
  • Demeaning others to make your point
  • Using yelling, name-calling, and cursing as tactics to convey your opinion
  • Using the past to shame people
  • Being loud and wrong (making up “facts” to pretend to be right)
  • Confronting people to pick a fight
  • Using cynical humor to ridicule, such as “You’re fat! You know I’m just joking; stop being so sensitive”

Passive-Aggressive

• “I will act out how I feel, but I’ll deny how I feel.”
• People can’t guess your needs based on your actions!
• Passive-aggressiveness is a way we resist directly setting boundaries
• More examples:
  • Appearing upset but refusing to admit it
  • Making verbal attacks not related to the current situation
  • Being moody for no known reason (often)
  • Bringing up issues from the past
  • Engaging in problem-focused complaining
  • Gossiping about things you could fix but have no intention of addressing

Manipulation

• do or say things with the hope the other person will feel guilty and do what the manipulator wants
• When making a deal, even if unfair, each party is aware of what they’ve agreed to do.
• The manipulated person often doesn’t know they’re being taking advantage of. Being manipulated feels confusing because the manipulator is trying to make the other party feel bad. Therefore, we tend to give in to thing we wouldn’t ordinarily agree to.
• More examples:
  • Making an issue you have with them seem like an issue with you (gaslighting)
  • Asking for help at the last minute and informing you have no other options
  • Telling a story that is intended to evoke pity
  • Leaving out critical parts of the story to persuade you to support them
  • Withholding affection to get you to feel bad or change your behaviour
  • Using your relationship with them as a reason that you “should” do certain things; for example “wives should cook”, or “you should see your mother every day.”

Assertiveness Is the Way

• “I know what my needs are, and I will communicate them to you”
• The healthiest way to communicate your boundaries is to be assertive
• Examples:
  • Saying to to anything you don’t want to do
  • Telling people how you feel as a result of their behaviour
  • Sharing your honest thoughts about your experiences
  • Responding in the moment
  • Instead of talking to a third party, talking directly to the person you’ve issues with
  • Making your expectations clear up front instead of assuming people will figure them out

How to Successfully Communicate a Boundary

• I say who, I say when, I say how much. She sets boundaries, and when people don’t adhere to them, she honors them by leaving the situation.

Step #1

Be clear. Do your best to be as straightforward as possible. Mind your tone - don’t yell or whisper.

Step #2

• Directly state your need or request, or say no. Don’t just mention what you don’t like; ask for what you need or want. Identify your expectations, or decline the offer.
• Examples of #1 and #2 blended together:
  • Thanks for the invite, but I’ll sit this one out.
  • Listen, I get that your job is frustrating. I want you to consider talking to someone in HR or meeting with someone professionalized to talk about your frustrations
  • I don’t feel comfortable talking about her this way. I want you to be pleasant toward her because John likes her
  • I don’t like it when you talk about my weight; please stop
  • When I talk about my issue with Dad, I want you to listen without defending him
  • Please stop picking fights with Dad at family gatherings.

Step #3

Dealing wit the discomfort that happens as a result of setting boundaries is the hardest part. Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting them.

Guilt

• there is no such thing as guilt-free boundaries. Guilt is part of this process. Guilt typically happens as a result of thinking that what you’ve done is “bad”.
• From the moment many of us were born, we’re made to feel guilty for having wants and needs.
• It’s OK to ask for what you want. Stating your needs is healthy. And you can speak up for yourself without being disrespectful.
• Guilt isn’t a limitation to setting boundaries. It’s a feeling. And like all feelings, guilt will come and go.
• Embrace it as a part of a complicated process - not just one piece, not the entirety of the experience.
• Feel the guilt, but don’t focus on it. Overfocusing on emotions just prolongs them. You can carry on while feeling guilty.
• If boundaries ruin a relationship, your relationship was on the cusp of ending anyway.
• Finally, if guilt is bothering you, engage in your favorite self-care practice, and do a few grounding techniques such as meditation or yoga.

Fear

• With fear, we assume the worst.
• We have no way of knowing how someone will respond to our assertiveness
• We victimize ourselves further when we let our fear prevent us from doing what we need to do.

Sadness

We assume that people will be unable to handle it, but this is also worst-case-scenario thinking.

Remorse

Be brave and state your boundary. It could change your life in numerous positive ways.

Awkwardness

• Stay grounded in the understanding that setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person but a healthy one
• Assuming that the energy between you will become weird will create the exact uncomfortable tone you wanted to avoid.

Ways to Communicate Boundaries

In Current Relationships

• Identify the areas where you need limits
• State your needs clearly
• Don’t explain yourself or provide a detailed story about what’s behind your request
• Be consistent in upholding your boundaries
• Restate your needs when necessary

In New Relationships

• Mention what you want casually in conversations as you’re getting to know people.
• Have an open discussion about why having your needs met is important to you.
• Be clear about your expectations.
• The first time someone violates your boundaries, let them know that a violation occurred.
• Restate your needs

Boundaries with Difficult People

• Pushback: they ignore that you mentioned a boundary and continue to do what they want.
• Testing Limits: They try to sneak, manipulate or get one past you. They attempt to do what they want in a way you don’t notice
• Rationalizing and Questioning: They challenge the reason for your boundary and its validity.
• Defensiveness: They challenge what you said or your character, or make excuses about how their behaviour is okay.
• Silent Treatment: This tactic is used with the hope that you’ll take back your boundary.

When someone violates your boundary, you can:

• Assertively restate it
• Correct the violation in real time. Don’t let the opportunity pass.
• Accept that they, although difficult, are entitled to their response even if it different from the one you’d like.
• Decide not to take it personally. They want to do what they want to do. You’re asking them for something uncomfortable that’s likely difficult for them
• Manage your discomfort

The Acclimation Period

• Allow people to adjust to your boundaries.
• During the adjustment period, it’s likely that you’ll need to repeat your boundaries, but try not to explain yourself.

Boundary Statements: I want…, I need…, I expect…

• I want you to stop asking me when I’m going to get married and have kids.
• I want you to ask me what I’m feeling instead of assuming what I’m feeling.
• I need you to pick up the cake for my party on time
• I need you to call me before you stop by
• I expect you to show up at my graduation
• I expect you to return the car with a full tank of gas

Follow Up On Your Boundaries with Action

• We think stating boundaries is hard, but it’s even harder to uphold them. People get their cues from you.
• Be an excellent example of the actions you expect from others.
• Deciding what you’ll do if it’s violated. If you do nothing, you aren’t honoring your boundary.

How to Handle Habitual Boundary Violators: Which Communication

• State your boundary using any means necessary
• don’t allow the conversation to get too detailed and convoluted. Don’t go into a background story, explaining the why of it all or how long you’ve been feeling put upon.
• always be clear by using simple and direct wording

What to Avoid When Setting Boundaries

Never, Ever, Ever, Apologize!

• When you apologize, it gives the impression that your expectations are negotiable or that you don’t believe you’re allowed to ask for what you want. Also, if you need to say no to a request, skip the apology:
  • Thanks, but I’ll not be able to make it..
  • I can’t help you this time.
  • I hope you enjoy yourself, but I won’t be able to make it.

Don’t Waver

Don’t allow people to get away with violating your boundary even one time. That one time can quickly turn into two, three or four times. Then you’ll have to start all over.

Don’t Say Too Much

If you want people to respect your boundaries, you have to respect them first.

Quick Tips for Handling Boundary Violations

Tip #1

• Speak up in the moment
• I don’t like it
• Saying anything is better than saying nothing

Tip #2

Verbalize your boundaries with others.

Tip #3

If someone violates your boundary you’ve already verbalized, tell them how the violations makes you feel. Then restate what you expect.

Tip #4

Don’t let people slide - not even once.

Exercise

• Think of a boundary you need to establish with someone.
• Write down your boundary using an “I” statement: I want, I need, I expect, I would like. Do not write the word “because” anywhere in your sentence.
• Check if your statement is assertive

7. Blurred Lines: Make it Plain

• Boundaries are assertive steps that you take verbally and behaviorally to create a peaceful life.

Blurred Boundaries

• Blurred boundaries occur when we aren’t explicitly clear about what we want, need, or expect from the other person. Instead of being direct, we may gossip or tell others what we want. We may infringe on the boundaries of others by offering unsolicited advice about how they should engage with people or by pushing our values on the other person.
• no advantageous way to effect change in our relationships.

Blurred-Boundaries Breakdown

1: Gossiping

the person who’s listening can’t help us resolve the issues with other people.

2: Telling People How to Live Their Lives

• “Do you want empathy or strategy right now?”
• A fundamental boundary is learning to listen without offering advice, or asking, “Do you want me to listen or offer some feedback?”

3: Instructing Others as to What They Should and Shouldn’t Tolerate in Relationships

• When we share what we would do if …, it denies the other person the opportunity to decide their own boundaries.

4: Pushing Your Values on Others

“To have important conversations, you will sometimes have to check your opinions at the door … Don’t worry, your beliefs will still be there when you’re done”.

Restating/Refreshing Your Boundary

• When you restate a boundary, use the same strategy as when you initially set it: be clear, state your need, and deal with your discomfort. You can’t permit any violations to slide. Allowing slips will give the impression that you aren’t serious about your expectations.
• do not offer an explanation or make promises about the future. Simply say no

Reducing Your Interactions

You don’t have to offer your time freely to people you find emotionally draining.

Issuing Ultimatums

• If an ultimatum is issues and not adhered to, it’s a threat. People don’t respect threats, but they can learn to respect ultimatums.
• Ultimatums are healthy. They aren’t healthy when your consequence are punitive or when you threaten people into doing what you want.
• Examples:
  • If you aren’t ready to leave by seven o’clock, I will take a taxi there without you.
  • If I find out you’re drinking again, I won’t loan you money.
  • If you don’t tell me what you want for dinner, I’ll decide in the next hour.
• Unhealthy examples:
  • We need to have kids or else.
  • If you go out with your friends, I’m not talking to you for the rest of the week.
  • If you don’t work late tonight, I’m not giving you the time off that your requested.
• tend to discomfort by journaling, regular therapy, finding supportive people to talk to, and using affirmations.
• some ultimatums are harder, such as those that will lead to terminate a relationship or cutting someone off. Before, consider:
  • Have I set any boundaries?
  • Is the person aware of my issues with them?
  • Have I been harmed beyond repair?
  • Is the other person willing to repair the relationship?
  • What are healthy aspects of the relationship?

Telling People to Stop

People expect you to give in eventually. They continue to ask because you haven’t declared in no uncertain terms that you won’t give in. Saying “stop” can save you the need to repeatedly push people off. So be direct, and tell them you’re not interested.

Cutoffs and Walls

Cutoffs

• If someone refuses enough times to honor your boundaries, you may choose to cut them off. Two options:
  • Clearly state that you’re ending the relationship with the other person
  • You ghost the other person - leave the relationship with no warning. Ghosting is an intentional action to passively server ties.

Walls

• Your boundaries are made on case-by-base basis. When you build walls, you keep everyone out, not just abusive individuals.
• When someone violates your boundary, you can:
  • Restate or refresh it
  • Reduce our interactions with that person
  • Issue an ultimatum
  • Accept it and let go off the relationship

Accepting and Letting Go

• Terminating a relationship will mimic the grief process. You’re likely to experience the following: depression, anger, confusion and bargaining.
• Setting limits won’t disrupt a healthy relationship. Damage isn’t caused by the boundary, the relationship is already unhealthy.

Make It Understandable the First Time

• You might find it helpful to say that you’re setting a boundary as a way of preserving the relationship. Let them know that it’s healthy for the two of you.
• When we don’t adhere to the limits we set with others, they won’t either.
• The only thing that would resolve her issues with him would be consistency.
• Don’t just name the boundary; create realistic actions that prevent you from defaulting on it.
• Start small. You may not be ready to say no every time someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do.
• start calling yourself a “boundaried person”

Ensure That Your Boundary Was Heard

• “Do you understand what I requested?”
• Can you reframe what I said in your own words?
• Just to make sure we’re clear, I’d like to hear you confirm what I said.
• What did you hear me say?

When Boundaries Collide

Exercise

Think of three boundaries. For each think of the action to protect the boundary and consequence if it’s not implemented. Write it down

8. Trauma and Boundaries

• Free yourself from your past with healthy boundaries.
• Three types of trauma:
  • Physical
  • Sexual
  • Emotional
• Common Issues Experienced by Adults Who’ve Experienced Abuse or Neglect:
  • Wanting to help everyone, even without the means to do so
  • Oversharing in hopes of receiving love
  • Being a people-pleaser
  • Fearing conflict
  • Having low self-esteem
  • Being in enmeshed relationships

Adult Abuse

How Trauma Impacts Attachments

• Anxious Attachment:
  • Constantly seeking validation
  • Engaging in self-sabotaging behaviour
  • Continually threatening to leave the relationship
  • Persistently questioning actions and intent, as they are seen as a threat
  • Demonstrating needy, attention-seeking behaviours
  • Feeling discomfort with being alone
• Avoidant Attachment:
  • Continually looking for reasons to justify that the relationship isn’t working
  • Hyperfocusing on the negative aspects of the relationship
  • Constantly worrying about loss of autonomy
• Counterdependence:
  • Difficulty being vulnerable with others
  • Unwilling to ask for help
  • Preference for doing things without help
  • Discomfort with being attached to others
  • Purposeful, emotional distance
  • Persistent feeling of loneliness
  • Inability to identify and acknowledge feelings

Shame and Guilt After Trauma

• Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experience that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we’re brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
• We feel most comfortable being vulnerable when there is no fear of consequence. Being vulnerable allows us go be honest and open about the experiences that have shaped us. Fearing vulnerability is fearing judgement.
• Growing up in dysfunctional family may make us feel shame. The same leads to low self-esteem and people-pleasing. For people who have experienced trauma, the hardest part of living with it is the vulnerability of sharing the story with other people.

How Secrecy Impacts the Ability to Communicate Boundaries

Teaching kids to keep secrets is harmful to their growth and development. The bottom line is that children and adults should be safe to talk about what happens at their homes

How Trauma Scenarios Impact Our Inability to Implement Boundaries

Taking care of yourself looks like

• Setting manageable expectations around caring and being present for others
• Maintaining your mental health
• Operating in your role as a child instead of parent to your parents
• Spending holidays doing things that you enjoy
• Checking in less often with people who drain your energy
• Figuring out who you are separately from what you were made to believe about yourself
• Not using your past as a reason to avoid proceeding with your life (keep calm and carry on)
• Talking about your feelings
• Allowing yourself to feel pleasure
• Sharing the truth of your past without sugercoating your experience
• Being gentle with yourself
• Teaching yourself things that you weren’t taught in childhood
• Learning to enjoy your body

How to Work Through These Issues and Understand Them in Others

• Change is possible at any time, no matter what you’ve experienced in life.
• If you’re in a relationship with someone who has attachment issues, instead of just accepting what you see, challenge it
• If you don’t speak up, the relationship will remain unhealthy unless and until the underlying issues are addressed.
• If you’re in a relationship with someone who has experienced trauma, don’t try to do the work for them by enabling them. Tell them what you see, and refer them to a mental health professional.

Exercise

• In what ways has your trauma impacted your ability to set boundaries?
• What words can you use to reassure yourself that it is okay to implement the limits and expectations that you need in order to feel safe?

9. What Are You Doing to Honor Your Boundaries?

• Before we teach others to respect our boundaries, we must learn to honor them ourselves.
• Kyle was unable to say “no” to himself.

The Significance of Having Boundaries with Yourself

• It’s hard to change your habits if you never change the underlying beliefs that led to your past behaviour.
• The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes only to what you deem truly meaningful, you’ll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It’s your responsibility to care for yourself without excuse.

Finances

• Boundaries to consider:
  • I will not loan money to anyone if I can’t afford to offer it as a gift
  • I will not cosign for anyone
  • I will establish emergency savings
• People can ask you for anything, but it’s up to you to maintain your boundaries by saying no or setting limits as to how much and how little you can help them

Time Management

• “I don’t have time to waste time”
• use my devices intentionally
• Boundaries to consider:
  • I admit I can’t do everything. I will check my calendar before saying yes.
  • I delegate what I can, especially the things I don’t need to do myself
  • I put myself on a schedule, write the schedule down, and stick to it religiously
  • I plan my day
• “What I’m doing currently, versus what would I like to do instead?”

Self-Care

• Boundaries to consider:
  • I say no to things that:
    • I don’t like
    • don’t contribute to my growth
    • rob me of my valuable time
  • I spend time around healthy people
  • I reduce interactions with people who drain my energy
  • I protect my energy against people who threaten my sanity
  • I practice positive self-talk
  • I allow myself to feel and not to judge my feelings
  • I forgive myself when I make a mistake
  • I actively cultivate the best version of myself
  • I turn off my phone when appropriate
  • I sleep when I’m tired
  • I mind my business
  • I make tough decisions because they’re healthy for me
  • I create space for activities that bring me joy
  • I say yes to activities that interest me despite my anxiety about trying them
  • I experience things alone instead of waiting for the “right” people to join me

Treatment We Allow from Others

• How are you allowing people to take advantage of you?
• When people raise their voice at me, I tell them it’s not OK.
• I address the issues when they arise instead of allowing them to fester.
• When a boundary is violated, I clearly define my expectations for communication in the beginning and throughout my relationships.
• When I notice that someone is trying to manipulate my by intentionally trying to guilt me or pushing my boundaries, I recognize it as manipulation and uphold my boundaries.
• When someone says something about me that isn’t true, I immediately correct them. Don’t argue; just state what you know to be true. “You’re always late -> I was late today. But there are other times, such as …, when I was not”.

Thoughts

• giving yourself a pep talk can be beneficial. Speak to you in gentle, kind, and a loving way.
• When you make disparaging comments or cruel jokes about yourself, you give others license to do the same to you.
• I don’t make mean comments about myself either in my mind or loud in front of others.

Reactions

• Shouting is a choice you make to display that you’re mad. Yet plenty of angry people make the choice to cry, take deep breaths, walk away, or phone a friend to process their feelings.
• When I get agitated, I remove myself from the situation and practice breathing until I feel calm

People You Allow in Your Life

• Nancy’s boundaries were porous. She would allow people to do things she didn’t like. Then she’d become resentful and angry
• Don’t have relationships with types of people you don’t like. Doing so is a choice.
• If you notice that you attract the same type of person (people) over and over, ask yourself:
  • What is it about me that attracts … type of people?
  • What is this person trying to teach me about myself?
  • What am I trying to work through in this relationship?
• Create an idea of the type of people I want in my life.
• When I notice issues in my relationships, I honor myself by speaking up

Upholding Boundaries

• It’s important to stick to your boundaries by issuing a consequence
• If you don’t uphold your boundaries, others won’t either
• If you said no, and people aren’t listening, tell them to stop asking. People keep asking because they are so trying to get you eventually to say yes.
• When you engage in activities that you don’t enjoy, you’re taking time away from yourself.
• When you get distracted with other people’s stuff, you take time away from yourself.
• When you spend time that you don’t have to spare, you take time from your goals.
• Say no to invitations you don’t wish to honor
• Take regular breaks and not work yourself to the bone.
• Allow yourself to feel your feelings without judging them as good or bad
• Read for pleasure

Keeping Your Word to Yourself

When you don’t keep your word to yourself, you’re engaging in self-sabotage, self-betrayal, or people-pleasing.

Self-sabotage

• Examples:
  • Getting close to a goal and quitting
  • Staying in relationships that are unhealthy
  • Setting unrealistic goals
  • Carrying a negative story about yourself and your abilities.
• Self-sabotage starts in the way we talk to ourselves.
• In the story you tell about yourself, incorporate an “I can” narrative. Don’t quit before you start.
• Use direct language without ambivalence what about what will happen.
• Confidence in your boundaries in the cure for self-sabotage

Self-betrayal

• Examples:
  • Changing who you are and what you believe in order to stay in relationships with others
  • Pretending to be someone other than who you really are
  • Comparing yourself with others, or a past version of yourself
  • Failing to consistently maintain your values
  • Making negative statements about yourself to others in your head
• With self-betrayal we dishonour ourselves by failing to live according to our values or failing to show up as an authentic human being. Guilt then sets in.

People-Pleasing

• Making others happy at the cost of our own happiness
• Healthy people appreciate honesty and don’t abandon us if we say no.
• You get to decide what you feel comfortable sharing as well as which people you wish to tell your personal business to.
• If you don’t want to answer a question, consider:
  • That’s an interesting question; what prompted you to ask me that?
  • Turn the question back on them: Do you want more kids?
  • Change the topic by glossing over the question: Money is always such an interesting topic. What are you watching on Netflix?
  • Be direct: I don’t feel comfortable answering that question.
  • Make your boundaries clear: I don’t like when people talk to me about my weight.

The Power of Refreshing and Restating Your Boundaries

Refreshing

You can say … is no longer working for me, I would like …

Restating

You can’t change people, but you can change:

• What you accept
• How you react
• How much you interact with them
• How much space you allow them to take up
• What you participate in
• What role they play in your life
• What people you have contact with
• What you allow in hour life
• Your perspective

Consistency is Key

• say: I’m a person who sticks to things.

Exercise

• What person do you want to be?
• Create a list of boundaries you’d like to implement for yourself

Part 2. This Is How You Do the Work of Setting Boundaries

10. Family

• His mother wanted the best for James, but perhaps the best for him was having boundaries with her

You Become an Adult When You Set Boundaries with your Parents

• An essential part of becoming an adult is becoming your own guide.
• Not painting your partner in negative light to your parents.
• Being transparent with your parents about your expectation of how they can engage with your partner
• Saying no to gifts that are given with the ope of specific behaviour from you.
• Boundaries with parents might sound like:
  • I’m dating someone new. When you meet them, don’t ask them when and if we’re getting married.
  • I won’t be home for Christmas because I’ve decided to celebrate with my friends.
  • It makes me feel uncomfortable to hear you talk about your relationship with Mom. Please find someone else to confide in
  • I’m vegetarian, and I’d like you to keep that in mind when you prepare meals for family gatherings
• Share your boundaries as soon as you notice that you need them.

Boundaries Around the Holidays

• asking your family to stay in a hotel
• Not including people who make your holiday experience uncomfortable
• Changing the subject when heating topics are mentioned

Boundaries with Your In-Laws

• In-laws disrupt the relationship when the adult child hasn’t set boundaries with their parents.
• Essentially, you set boundaries with your family, and your partner sets boundaries with their family. If your partner hasn’t established an adult child role with their parents, you may be the person left setting the limits.
• Speaking to your in-laws about boundaries should be done only once you’ve given your partner the chance to speak on your behalf
• To In-Law:
  • We want our children to speak openly with us. Do not advise them to keep secrets from us.
  • I know that you care about our family, and I understand that you want to be involved. But it’s important for us to figure out how to navigate on our own.
• To Partner:
  • I know you’re close to your father, but don’t discuss the personal details of our sex life with him.
  • When you share things with your parents first, it makes me feel left out. I would like to be the first to know what’s happening to you.
  • It isn’t okay for you to keep things from me and share them with your parent.
• It’s OK to share your boundary with your in-law if your partner doesn’t do so
• Don’t allow boundary violations to go on too long without intervening.

Boundaries with Other Family Members

• family members know how to push your buttons
• Boundaries:
  • Attending family events because you want to, not because you’re pressured to
  • Not allowing family members to comment on your dating status, weight, or any area of your life that you aren’t comfortable disusing.
• Examples:
  • We don’t agree on politics. We should stop discussing politics at family gatherings
  • I know you’re concerned that I’m happy in my relationship. However, I don’t want you giving me dating advice or asking me about my dating life.
  • I’m very concerned about …, but I will not enable them by helping pay their bills again.
  • I don’t want to be in the middle of family disputes. I will no longer be the mediator.

Boundaries with Co-Parents

• Parents may unknowingly affects their kids negatively by having a contentious relationship with each other. But when we have children with someone, we’re forever connected to them.
• Boundaries with Your Co-Parent:
  • Discussing issues together before talking to the kids
  • Honoring a custody agreement if one is in place
  • Not sharing inappropriate information with children about the other parent
  • Using a mediator if issues can’t be resolved amicably
• Examples:
  • While we don’t see eye to eye on this, I wonder what might be a reasonable compromise.
  • I think it’s best if a mediator helps us decide what’s fair in terms of custody and child support.
  • Our kids shouldn’t see us fighting. I won’t have an inappropriate conversation in front of them
  • Please don’t speak about me and what you think of me in front of the kids
• Important Reminders:
  • Through observing your relationship, you are teaching your kids how to exist in their own relationships.
  • Children want to feel safe
  • You can only do your part. If you set a boundary, you must honor it
  • Kids greatly benefit from parents getting along

Boundaries with Your Children

• Having boundaries helps children feel safer.
• Boundaries:
  • Discussing feelings and emotions in an age-appropriate manner
  • Not using a child as a confidant
  • Monitoring online and social media usage
• Examples:
  • You have school in the morning. At nine o’clock, it’s time for bed.
  • Please go to your room; I need to talk to Grandma alone
  • What you’re watching is inappropriate. I’m changing settings to filter out unsuitable content.
  • It’s okay to feel angry. What are some ways to behave when you feel angry?
• Important Reminders:
  • Even when kids seem mature for their age, it’s essential to allow them to stay in kid’s reality.
  • Children don’t need to know details of everything that happens with adults
  • Kids feel safe when limits are in place consistently

Teaching Kids How to Have Healthy Boundaries

• Most of the adults I work with can clearly remember how their boundaries were violated in childhood and how they still struggle to repair the damage from those violations. They also struggle to incorporate healthy boundaries in their adult lives. Children must learn that having boundaries is healthy for them.

Exercise

• How do you feel about setting boundaries with your family?
• Who in your family do you think would be the most receptive to your boundaries?
• Who in your family do you think would be the least receptive to your boundaries?
• Name two boundaries you’d like to implement with your family.
• What actions or follow-up might be necessary for your family to adhere to your boundaries?

11. Romantic Relationships

• We don’t naturally fall into perfect relationships; we create them
• they existed with unspoken boundaries and anger about violations that were unknown to the other person.

Relationship Agreements

• In every relationship, we operate based on an explicit or implicit set of agreements (rules and boundaries).
• Examples:
  • Don’t raise your voice at me
  • I want an open relationship; where we discuss other partners with each other
  • I want to meet your friends
• Unhealthy boundaries - you assume.
• Mindful Relationship Habits:
  • Define what it means to be in healthy relationship
  • Access why you’re in relationships with certain people
  • Notice your energy while engaging with people
  • Do what feels right for you
  • Make peace with not having a relationship that everyone agrees with.
  • Discover what makes you happy in your relationships
  • Honor your feelings by making healthy choices

Setting Expectations

• The sooner the better
• believe people what they say
• Otherwise you’ll spend most of the relationship trying to persuade the other person to want what you want. Rarely does someone change their mind to appease another person, at least not for long.
• After a few dates with someone, it’s an excellent time to start talking about expectations.
• At the beginning, it’s vital to know:
  • What is the plan for the relationship?
  • Do you have similar values?
  • Are there any issues that are deal-breakers?
  • How will you handle disputes?
  • What is acceptable within the relationship?
  • What unique rules do you want to implement for the relationship?
• Watch for resentment, burnout, frustration, settling, uneasiness, and anger. These emotions will guide you directly to where boundaries are needed in your relationship

Poor Communication Is the Leading Cause of Divorce and Breakups

• Areas:
  • Fidelity:
    • Is your relation monogamous?
    • What does monogamy mean?
    • What does cheating look like?
    • What’s the consequence if someone cheats?
  • Finances:
    • How will you manage your money in the relationship?
    • Who is responsible for paying which bill?
    • What are your short-term and long-term financial goals?
  • Household:
    • Who is responsible for doing which task?
    • How will tasks be divided so that they don’t fall on one person?
    • How can you work together to meet the needs of your home?
  • Kids:
    • Do you want kids?
    • How many kids do you want?
    • What is your parenting style, or what do you think it will be?
    • How will you approach disagreements related to kids?
    • How will you maintain your relationship which your partner once children arrive?
  • Outside Forces:
    • What happens when you disagree with how your partner handled an issue?
    • Is it OK to talk about your relationship with people outside the relationship? If so, whom?
    • How do you protect your relationship from others?
• Having uncomfortable conversations can save relationships
• Be willing to talk about issues before they become a problem

Assertiveness Minimizes Miscommunication and Recurring Arguments

• In my sessions with couples, I’ve been surprised how much they hold back from each other because they fear what the other person might say.
• Instead of finding a solution, most couples quarrel about the problem.
• Ask yourself:
  • What is the real problem?
  • What is my need?
  • How do I need to communicate with my partner?
  • What can I do to ensure that my needs are met?
  • what do I want from my partner to meet my needs?

Creating an Environment for Open Communication

• Telling your partner what you need allows them to honor your boundary. Staying quiet will piss you off

Difficult Periods in a Long-Term Romantic Relationship

The First Year

• learning to build a life together

Co-Parenting

• When couples become parents, their relationship is less romantic, and they become more distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to their kids.
• Boundaries That Are Important for Parents:
  • Having consistent date nights
  • Asking for help from family
  • Assigning kids a bedtime
  • Prioritizing time to talk about topics other than the kids

The Empty Nest

The Curse of Poor Communication

• biggest issue in most romantic relationships is poor communication
• The number one reason that people fail to communicate their needs is the fear of being seen as mean or needy.
• State them early, because resentment leads to breakups and divorce.

Needs Within Reason

• “You can never bring up the past” -> If you bring up the past, I will verbalize that you’re crossing a boundary, and I will redirect the conversation."

Exercise

• What are my top five needs in my relationship?
• Is my partner aware of my needs?
• What is the biggest issue in my relationship?
• Have I set any boundaries with my partner?
• Am I honoring the boundaries I set with my partner?
• In what new ways can I share my boundaries with my partner?

12. Friendships

• Your boundaries are a reflection of how willing are you to advocate for the life you want.
• start talking more about yourself
• Tell me something good that happened today
• once a week for 15min instead of 30min

Set a Boundary or Suffer the Consequences of Not Setting One

• Outside of family, friendships are the hardest relationships in which to implement boundaries.
• When problems are not addressed and boundaries not set, relationship challenges persist.
• Our relationships are a reflection of our boundaries or a lack thereof.
• Signs of Healthy Relationship:
  • Your friend wants to see you grow
  • Your friendship is mutually supportive
  • The friendship is mutually beneficial
  • Your friendship evolve as you evolve
  • You understand how to support each other
  • Setting boundaries doesn’t threaten the friendship
  • Your friend is happy for you to be yourself
  • Your friend acknowledges your quirks and works around them
  • You can talk to your friend about your feelings
• Signs of an Unhealthy Friendship:
  • The relationship is competitive,
  • You exhibit your worst behaviour when you’re with your friend
  • You feel emotionally drained after connecting with your friend
  • Your friend tries to embarrass you in front of others
  • You don’t have anything in common
  • Your friend shares details of your personal life with others
  • The friendship is not reciprocal (i.e., you give more than you receive)
  • You’re unable to work through disagreements
  • Your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries
  • The relationship is enmeshed/codependent

Dealing with Complaining

• Ruminating is essentially dumping on others. Rarely I hear people have an issue with venting or problem-solving. It’s rumination that becomes an issue.
• Ways to Deal with a Chronic Complainer:
  • Empathize
  • Redirect the conversation by changing the subject
  • Be intentional in your dialog, and stay on topic
  • Lead by example, don’t complain
  • Ask before offering an opinion, and be mindful of whether the person can handle the truth
  • Don’t be dismissive (e.g. It isn’t so bad or You’ll get over it)
  • After you’ve done all you can, draw a clear boundary around the time allotted for the conversation and how often you will talk.
• What to Say to Someone When You Don’t Want to Give Them Advice:
  • I’m not sure how to help you withi that
  • That sounds like a bit issue. Have you thought about talking it over with this person who is bothering you?
  • How have you thought about handling the situation?
  • What I’d do is completely biased and based on me. I’d like to explore what you could do in this situation.
• Consider the purpose of your conversation with people

Reasons Behind Boundary Issues in Friendships

Common Boundary Issues in Friendship

Being the Relationship Adviser

• I kindly asked her not to share the ins and outs of her relationship with me because it was making me feel jaded toward her boyfriend.

Loaning Money and Possessions

• Set your expectations up front: I will load you … with the expectation that you’ll pay it back by …" If for any reason, you can’t meet my deadline, give me a heads-up at least the day before.
• I’m not able to loan you any money
• I’m not able to give you … but I can offer …"

Offering Unsolicited Advice and Feedback

Getting Burned Out from Advice-Giving

• Stop repeating yourself if someone isn’t listening.

Receiving Unsolicited Advice and Feedback

• I need you to listen to me. I don’t want any advice or feedback."

Dealing with a Needy Friend

You’re Not a Therapist - You’re a Friend

• Offer them resources to get started, such as books or contact information.

Enmeshment Does Not Make You a Good Friend

• We’re not indebted to anyone in this life. We’re accountable to some, responsible for others. We are never, however, obligated to take the weight of another’s life on our shoulders.
• It’s important to realize that your friends’ issues are not your issues. Overly entangling yourself in other people’s problems is not an indicator of how much you love them.
• The most loving thing you can do is to listen. The most empowering thing you can do is to allow people to work through their own problems.

Dealing with Chronic Boundary Violators

• Eliminate toxic people from your life
• Minimize the frequency of your interactions with unhealthy people
• Do things alone rather than with unhealthy people
• Make hard choices about how you choose to spend your time
• Try something different because the same approach yields the same results
• Set clear expectations at the beginning of a new friendship
• Build new relationships with healthy people
• Repeat your boundaries more than once (or move on because people are unwilling/unable to honor yours)
• You may need to give up trying to think of ways to fix something that can’t be fixed.
• You may need to ask for what you want, see it happen temporarily, and notice the changes are short-lived
• You may need to realize that the bad outweighs the good
• You may need to be honest with yourself about how the relationship is impacting your wellness
• Having a conversation to air out frustrations and verbalize openly that the relationship is over.

Exercise

• Describe your idea of a healthy friendship
• Identify with whom you have healthy friendships
• List your unhealthy friendships and define what makes them unhealthy
• Determine what needs to be said or done to improve the friendship

13. Work

• People treat you according to your boundaries
• She was bound to take her unhealthy boundaries with her to any workplace. The fresh start she needed was with herself

Set On-the-Job Boundaries

• Let’s chat during lunch. I have a frew projects I need to push through.
• I have a lot of things on my plate, so I can’t help you with that project.
• When office gossip is brought up, make a clear statement about disinterest.

Everyday-Boundary Issues at Work

• Examples:
  • Being asked about personal issues
  • Taking on more than you can handle
  • Not delegating
  • Flirting
  • Working without pay
  • Not taking advantage of vacation days
  • Saying yes to tasks you can’t responsibly complete
  • Engaging in stressful interactions
  • Working during downtime
  • Doing jobs intended for more than one person
  • Not taking needed time off
• Boundaries are not common sense; they are taught.

Handling a Toxic Work Environment

• In a toxic work environment, your emotional and mental health status is put in jeopardy
• Working long hours
• Negative communication among peers or superior
• A narcissistic boss
• Identify healthy people in the toxic environment
• Document, document, document your issues with dates and times
• If your boss isn’t part of the problem, talk to your boss
• Talk to Human Resources about the office culture

Burnout and the Impact on Work-Life Balance

• I share my boundaries with my clients about how to contact me after hours.
• Vacations are an opportunity to recharge and reset. Take advantage of this.
• Find a hobby that has nothing to do with your job, and take part in it regularly.
• Take your lunch break away from your desk.
• Do your work only at work/only during work hours
• Boundaries at work sound like:
  • I cannot work past five o’clock
  • I won’t be able to take on any additional projects
  • I don’t check work emails while on vacation
  • I need more assistance with my workload
  • I don’t talk about personal subjects at work. It makes me uncomfortable
  • I don’t want to grab drinks after work, but how about going to a yoga class
• In the case of work, it’s OK to provide details about why you’re saying no
• Minimize distractions such as texting and calls to family and friends during the workday, as these exchanges prevent you from finishing your work on time
• Taking a nap on your lunch break; studies show that taking naps improves willpower and focus
• Don’t check work emails on the weekend.
• If your job is stressful, limit the way you talk about it with others, unless it’s your therapist. Ruminating about all the things you hate will not improve your feelings.
• Don’t offer professional services for free to friend or family. If you’re an accountant, for example, refer your friends and family to another accountant.
• Delegate tasks that someone else can do. CEOs should never answer their own phones. Doctors shouldn’t prepare their operating rooms for surgeries.
• Prioritize tasks in order of urgency and deadline

How to Communicate Boundaries to Your Boss

• if a boss works in the evening and while on vacation, they may expect you to do the same. It’s your job to advocate for reasonable expectations, not requirements based on your boss’s lack of boundaries.
• It’s important to me to recharge when I’m out of the office in order to be fully present when I’m at work. I’d like to restrict my work, as much as possible, to the following time frames.
• Be sure to use the “I” language. Make it about you, not them.

Saying No to Social Invitations and Out-of-the-Office Connections

• Thanks for inviting me to your holiday party, but I won’t be able to make it.
• It’s kind of you to invite me to lunch, but I’d like to spend time alone during lunch.
• After work, I’d like to go home and relax.
• How about we exhcange phone numbers instead of social media handles?
• I’m a homebody, so I’m not interested.

Overcoming the Fear of Perfection

• There is no such thing as the perfect employee.

Exercise

• What is one boundary that you can implement in any work environment
• What is your work schedule?
• What times are you willing to work outside of your work schedule?
• Given that you know about your boss, what’s the best way to set boundaries with them?
• Do you need to set any with your coworkers?
• How do you think you’ll benefit from setting boundaries at work?

14. Social Media and Technology

• Self-discipline is the act of creating boundaries for yourself.
• Once Tiffany asked, she was surprised how easily Lacey complied.
• I felt the joy of missing out (JOMO) on social media. Being out of the loop had plenty of advantages
• Explaining yourself over and over doesn’t mean people will eventually get it.
• Sometimes you have to release people by using the power of the block feature
• It’s your job to protect your energy
• Some people feel entitled to your time, but your time is yours to manage.
• The average person spends about three hours a day on their phone.

How to Manage Information Overload in the Digital Age

• The moment we continue to follow something that bothers us, we agree to be bothered.

Managing Bad News When It’s All Over TV and the Internet

• Designate a specific time of day to watch or listen to the news intentionally

Following Friends, Family, and Associates

• Make it hard for people to follow you by creating a private account
• Opt to change phone numbers instead of social media handles
• I honor myself (and others in my community) by deleting comments and blocking people who are judgemental, mean-spirited, or demeaning.

Common Boundary Issues with Technology

Spending Too Much Time Watching Television

Spending Too Much Time on Social Media

Boundaries to Consider

• Don’t sleep with your phone near your bed.
• Don’t sleep with your phone in your room.
• Instead of grabbing your phone, consider other ways you’d like to spend the first moments of your day, such as journaling, cuddling with your partner, stretching, or brushing your teeth. Find something else to do.
• If you regularly check your phone, practice turning it off for a few hours
• If you experience low self-esteem, low self-worth, envy or resentment, be mindful of who you follow and why. Unfollow, block, and mute people who make you feel uncomfortable.

Adults Unable to Put Down Devices

• Do not allow devices at dinnertime

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

• If you struggle with FOMO, consider who you follow. If it’s people you don’t know, think about the impact that following them has had on your mental health
• Let them know you’d like to be included in their next adventure. Invite them to do something with you.

Infidelity as a Result of Inappropriate Online Interactions

• Are there any expectations about posting pictures of each other?
• Is it okay to talk about relationship issues online or on social media?
• What’s your philosophy on liking sexually suggestive photos?

Strategies to Minimize Digital Overload

Social Media Cleanse

• Restring yourself completely from using social media by removing yourself from it for a certain about of time.
• Reduce your engagement
• Erase non-essential apps. Any app not used in the last month isn’t essential.
• Turn off notifications. Alerts trigger you to pick up your phone.
• Unfriend people who aren’t real friends.

Exercise

• How many hours do you spend using technology?
• How many hours would you like to spend using technology?
• In what areas of social media and gaming would you like to limit your usage?
• When you find yourself mindlessly using technology, what do you feel?
• What healthy habits would you like to implement instead of consuming technology?

15. Now What?

• Your wellness hinges on your boundaries.
• In healthy relationships, it’s okay, rational and safe to state your boundaries.
• Do not take anything personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It’s because of themselves. All people live in their own dream and their own mind. Even when the words seem personal, such as a direct insult, they really have nothing to do with you.
• Personalizing assumes that everything is about you.
• There is no such thing as a guilt-free boundary setting.
• Start to believe that they’re a nonnegotiable part of healthy relationships, as well as self-care and wellness practice.
• Perseverance with the awareness that your boundaries are not for people to like